Friday, March 10, 2017

I'd Like To Introduce You to The Voices In My Head

I stopped writing my blog because I had only one or two readers. I realized today that I still have to take to the page and express myself regardless because going crazy is a legitimate fear today.  Lately, what has become more obvious to me, are the voices in my head. They were wrecking me.



Upon thorough investigation I discovered some of the many voices; there are many. Let me introduce you:

Ms. Fixit - Ms. Fixit knows all the problems and she is very busy with solutions. She has some really great ideas, but she also has a tendency to repeat herself ad infnitum. She is really smart and when there is a lull in the action she feels compelled to open the files and fixit.

Ms. Yeah-But:  Yeah-But is very intrusive. When I finally convince myself that everything is all right, this minute and it's okay to relax and take a break, she chimes in. "Yeah, but what about your car, you know you need tires." "Yeah, you may have a little money in the bank right now, but what about next week?"  "Yeah, you might be able to sell the house, but what if you can't and it goes into foreclosure and you are homeless?"

Ms. Defense Attorney.  She is a real ally, but again constant noisy companion. Ms. Defense Attorney defends me against any and all accusations against my character. Nasty things people may say to or about me or accuse me of which inherently aren't true and I know it. She is continuously in court, in front of the judge proving how innocent I am

Ms. Failure - Ms. Failure keeps a running  tally of what I have not done, all the things I tried to do and failed. She is also good at comparing me to others who have achieved so much more than I.

Ms. Fatal - Ms. Fatal keeps me appraised of all the diseases I probably have. Even if it's just a headache Ms. Fatal has me in Hospice. She also uses death as a solution to my discomfort as she talks about meteors hitting the earth, heart attacks, bridges collapsing, but mostly heart attacks.

Ms. Scardy Pants _ Ms. Scardy Pants is frightened. She is the keeper of the PTSD response. She is triggered by sound. Sounds of phone ringing, txt msgs, cars in the driveway, and emails and regular mail. She is afraid of whatever is pending in my life.

Ms. Delusions of Granduer - Oh, the Grand lady of the Occipital Lobe though she is fading she does rise to the occasion, especially after I smoke a joint. My dreams of a Feminine revolution where Mothers and Children come first is a recurring theme in her domain. She is where my idea for Breasts Not Bombs came from and did become a reality. I love Mdm Grandeur, but as I get older I hear less from her.

In having dialogue with these very real characters, aspects, and personalities I have found some relief. Identifying who's got the mic. has been a revelation to my higher, better smarter self who believes that everything really is ok.

I have to appreciate Ms. Fixit and tell her what a good job she is doing and how many things she's fixed already. I have to tell Ms. Yeah-But that while her concerns are valid we really don't know what will happen next and being optimistic is help full. I have to tell Ms. Defense attorney that the Jury, after only moments in deliberation, find me Innocent. I have to tell Ms. Failure about all my accomplishments over the last 56 years.  I have to tell Ms. Fatal that it's time to take some Cayenne, Aloe, eat some protein, watch some comedy or write some. I have to tell Ms. Scardy pants that is ok to be scared and just stroke her head softly and get her a tissue when she cries. I have to tell Ms. Delusions that all her dreams can come true on the page in a novel or screenplay form.

Then, I have to activate the good voices in my head in constant response to these chatterboxes. I have to engage my Boom Chakra Lakra and fill in the blanks of

I  AM   ________________
I FEEL ________________
I WILL ________________
I LOVE ________________
I SPEAK ________________
I SEE      ________________
I KNOW________________

Then I pick up the phone and call a friend because it's comforting knowing the voice in my head is coming out of the phone and this voice....loves me very much.

These exercises and others are available in THE FIRST PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR CRAZY PEOPLE - How To Make The Best Of Mental Illness Available on Amazon.com and soon to be released in Audio format.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Climate changer

We've had some bodacious storms in Northern California over the last week. One of them blew our electricity and we spent a healthy 24 hours unplugged. It was quiet. I like candlelight/radio with a wild wind chaser.

It made me feel calm resting in the eye of the storm. In fact I never get angry at natural disasters. I don't curse the wind or rain or fire or quake. I just stand back and witness the awe-some power unleashed in a storm. Earth upended, water breaking banks, fire raging, It's nature.


 When I contemplate my ultimate demise, or death, I have submitted my request to the powers that be that nature is my executioner. So quick and merciful. Lightning striking, earthquake swallowing, flood drowning, it all works for me.

But a slow, torturous death at the hands of man or man made cancer, no thanks. I just hope I drop dead. Lately, I've been contemplating the possibilities as I'm 56 and I find under the political circumstances difficult to look forward. My career has come to a standstill, my book isn't selling, my industry is constipated and the Civil rights progress of the last 50 years is about to vanish into the thin air of white supremacy and privelege.

It's the man made destruction that drives me insane. Whether it's a toxic assault on the environment or  viscous attacks on a vulnerable population I just don't understand why this is the norm. People do try to explain it to me. Still I am angry. I'm fucking furious at the shit-show of the coming Frump administration.

The juxtaposition of President Obama's elegant and intelligent farewell speech on Tuesday Night and Donald Dump's 1st Press Conference on Wednesday morning (preceded by a sprinkle of showers) was a very clear delineation of what we are facing. I'm not going to say for the "next four years" because I truly do not believe he will even be inaugurated. I'm still enjoying denial and the possibility that someone will, at the last momen,t diagnose this miscreant with Mental Psychosis and have him committed on a 51/50 as a danger to others. (380 million Americans)

The warmth in the arena President Obama's Farewell was felt throughout the cosmos. His knowledge of the law and democracy and the ingenuity of young Americans was inspiring to me. He is a good father and husband and a great basketball player and his taste in Music is Supreme.


He turned the White house Black 
and I for one am great full.
He put the soul into it.

Many on the extreme left are also quick to point out to me the terrible misgivings and errors of America's first Black President from drone strikes to wars in 7 countries and the fact that he didn't deschedule Cannabis. Yeah, I know. I get it. BUT, I admire, respect and actually love that man and his family.


I too, can't figure out why he could not or did not do all the things on MY list. Some say it was because they would kill him and his family if he veered to far outside the lines of prescribed government. Still, I grieve any innocent lives taken by the U.S. military or drone program and I'm sorry.

However,  I know without a doubt,  for the past 8 years when I went to sleep at night I felt like there was a competent pilot on the plane and odds are I would wake up in the morning and we'd have landed safely and things would be recognizable. If Humpty Trumpty comes to power I can guarantee that will change. I don't know what he'll be tweeting in the night and who will be insulted, rejected, or arrested because he just doesn't fucking like them. There is an ice chill blowing through our democracy and his cold steely countenance is freezy with ignorance and stupidty. There is nothing kind, compassionate or here. The evidence is clear

He's a Climate Changer.

It appears, by his press conference, that he really does not comprehend the 1st amendment. I bet if you stopped him on the street tonight and asked him what it was he might be able to name 2 out of the 4 freedoms listed therein.

And somebody please tell me Where the fuck was the electoral college who's clear duty was to be  "a safeguard against the election of an unqualified demagogue or a president that might be indebted to foreign nations". Why didn't they rise up? Especially after all the hype that they had all kinds of defectors, but when it came to the vote....well...you know.

As much as I cling to the denial I'm in, I'm afraid he will be inaugurated (or not, probably) and then I think "well maybe the Senate will not confirm any or at least very few of his self-serving billionaire swamp hoppers to his cabinet", but then I remember. POLITICIANS NEVER FUCKING DO ANYTHING RIGHT...EVER  Obama has THE RIGHT to appoint Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court before he goes, or deschedule Cannabis or Free Leonard Peltier all that could happen, and in the past I would be in the street and on the phone trying to make it happen, but not today because I know it won't. Obama's gonna do what Obama wants to do in the next 8 days and then Things will go the way of Trump because that's what's going to happen and there is no stopping it. (Unless there's a miracle)

I've haven't even allowed myself to utter or write down the names of the alabaster elite being appointed to his cabinet (Is it a China Cabinet?) These Dough boys white as the driven snow and right wing doesn't even come close to how far on the spectrum these goons get off.

Greed is always a go to answer for men's selfish behavior. I'm afraid it's more than that. I believe there is an inherent cruelty afoot. Cruelty, ignorance, and Ego all bathed in Golden Showers.