Friday, March 10, 2017

I'd Like To Introduce You to The Voices In My Head

I stopped writing my blog because I had only one or two readers. I realized today that I still have to take to the page and express myself regardless because going crazy is a legitimate fear today.  Lately, what has become more obvious to me, are the voices in my head. They were wrecking me.



Upon thorough investigation I discovered some of the many voices; there are many. Let me introduce you:

Ms. Fixit - Ms. Fixit knows all the problems and she is very busy with solutions. She has some really great ideas, but she also has a tendency to repeat herself ad infnitum. She is really smart and when there is a lull in the action she feels compelled to open the files and fixit.

Ms. Yeah-But:  Yeah-But is very intrusive. When I finally convince myself that everything is all right, this minute and it's okay to relax and take a break, she chimes in. "Yeah, but what about your car, you know you need tires." "Yeah, you may have a little money in the bank right now, but what about next week?"  "Yeah, you might be able to sell the house, but what if you can't and it goes into foreclosure and you are homeless?"

Ms. Defense Attorney.  She is a real ally, but again constant noisy companion. Ms. Defense Attorney defends me against any and all accusations against my character. Nasty things people may say to or about me or accuse me of which inherently aren't true and I know it. She is continuously in court, in front of the judge proving how innocent I am

Ms. Failure - Ms. Failure keeps a running  tally of what I have not done, all the things I tried to do and failed. She is also good at comparing me to others who have achieved so much more than I.

Ms. Fatal - Ms. Fatal keeps me appraised of all the diseases I probably have. Even if it's just a headache Ms. Fatal has me in Hospice. She also uses death as a solution to my discomfort as she talks about meteors hitting the earth, heart attacks, bridges collapsing, but mostly heart attacks.

Ms. Scardy Pants _ Ms. Scardy Pants is frightened. She is the keeper of the PTSD response. She is triggered by sound. Sounds of phone ringing, txt msgs, cars in the driveway, and emails and regular mail. She is afraid of whatever is pending in my life.

Ms. Delusions of Granduer - Oh, the Grand lady of the Occipital Lobe though she is fading she does rise to the occasion, especially after I smoke a joint. My dreams of a Feminine revolution where Mothers and Children come first is a recurring theme in her domain. She is where my idea for Breasts Not Bombs came from and did become a reality. I love Mdm Grandeur, but as I get older I hear less from her.

In having dialogue with these very real characters, aspects, and personalities I have found some relief. Identifying who's got the mic. has been a revelation to my higher, better smarter self who believes that everything really is ok.

I have to appreciate Ms. Fixit and tell her what a good job she is doing and how many things she's fixed already. I have to tell Ms. Yeah-But that while her concerns are valid we really don't know what will happen next and being optimistic is help full. I have to tell Ms. Defense attorney that the Jury, after only moments in deliberation, find me Innocent. I have to tell Ms. Failure about all my accomplishments over the last 56 years.  I have to tell Ms. Fatal that it's time to take some Cayenne, Aloe, eat some protein, watch some comedy or write some. I have to tell Ms. Scardy pants that is ok to be scared and just stroke her head softly and get her a tissue when she cries. I have to tell Ms. Delusions that all her dreams can come true on the page in a novel or screenplay form.

Then, I have to activate the good voices in my head in constant response to these chatterboxes. I have to engage my Boom Chakra Lakra and fill in the blanks of

I  AM   ________________
I FEEL ________________
I WILL ________________
I LOVE ________________
I SPEAK ________________
I SEE      ________________
I KNOW________________

Then I pick up the phone and call a friend because it's comforting knowing the voice in my head is coming out of the phone and this voice....loves me very much.

These exercises and others are available in THE FIRST PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR CRAZY PEOPLE - How To Make The Best Of Mental Illness Available on Amazon.com and soon to be released in Audio format.